First Love
by winterlove3
Summary: Inspired by episode 19 JubeiKazuki


Notes: This is inspired by episode 19 of the series, as well as a few songs, namely First Love by Hikaru Utada (which explains the title) and A Little Bit by MYMP. It's not faithful to the episode, as I've only seen it once, I may have missed some stuff, and definitely added some too :D It's in Jubei's POV. What else...oh. They're my first yaoi couple...hummm, I never thought I'd be writing about two guys, but well, I couldn't resist :D They just...well, they just touch you, don't they? I hope you like it! E-mail me at winter_love_26@yahoo.com.  
  
Mata ne ;) winter  
  
First Love ~winter~  
  
"Jubei, why do you do this?" I heard his gentle voice ask me this question...the answer to which I had staked my beliefs, for which I would willingly give my life and will kill the one person who'd meant more to me than my life.  
  
I saw the hurt clearly registered in his soulful eyes, even as he tried to conceal it. There was pain, in every line of his expressionless face, in the way he held his slender body...perfectly still and proud and strong yet seemingly in surrender to my will...the way he had always been. I looked away, refusing to feel again for him...not wanting to acknowledge what I knew I had never completely taken from myself...  
  
"Jubei...Even when I left, you were never far from my mind." I heard him trying to reach me...with meaningless words. I couldn't believe in him again.  
  
"I've always thought of you as my friend, Jubei. Even then...when you attacked me from behind. Even when you wished to take my life..even then, Jubei." I didn't answer, looking at him with cold eyes, trying not to listen to his words, his gentle voice, the tinkling of the Fuchoin bell...an ancient song, filled with his pain.  
  
"How can I think otherwise, Jubei? How can you be anything else to me? You've always... always been the most important one in my life..."  
  
But despite my efforts to prevent him from touching me...how could I not hear him? How could I not have felt for him? How long could I have resisted...not long. Never long enough with him...I felt a rush of pain, at his words... at the contradiction of Fuchoin Kazuki. Friends? Were we really that? Anger rushed through me... Why? Why did I still feel for him? Why did it hurt? It wasn't I who betrayed us first. It wasn't me who'd left...it wasn't I who'd forgotten our promise...He had no right to feel the way he did, think the way he did of me...He had no right to be hurt! He was the one who'd left!  
  
"Since you left, I've never thought of you at all, Kazuki." I said the lie with a calm voice, perhaps in an effort to protect myself...or in retaliation...to hurt him as much as I was hurting.  
  
I saw his eyes darken with anger and pain...as the realization that I wasn't going to yield this battle to him sank in. Perhaps what had hurt him the most was my willingness to hurt him...but I knew that this willingness stemmed from my own pain...my desire to make him feel as much as I did...as deeply, as severely as I did.  
  
But with my every blow to his body, I didn't feel my pain lessening. Instead, hurting him had become a double-edged sword...and with every injury he dealt me, I felt my soul crying. And it was the same way with him...I realized that to hurt each other...we were only hurting ourselves more.  
  
When did I become like this? How did it become this way with him?  
  
And as we fought, I remembered our past...  
  
~~~ The first time I ever saw him...  
  
It was the first time I had been brought to the Fuchoin household. Our families were connected by a history of blood and friendship. The Kakei Family had been the protectors of the Fuchoin family since time immemorial...and I was next in line, to hold this place of honor. I was to meet him, the man I was born to protect, the man for whose employ I was learning the Kakei needle technique...and I was excited, exhilarated. The Fuchoins, it was said, commanded such an aura that one would follow willingly. They were men of honor, of courage, of loyalty...of gentle spirit, and music... and I was eager to be given the place beside this man, the place that I was working hard to earn and be worthy of.  
  
As we climbed the long flight of stairs to the Fuchoin temple, I heard the faint strumming of strings --- and it was calling me, pulling me toward it, and I could not resist. I forgot my earlier excitement, my manners, the years of breeding that I had been taught, and I moved towards the sound. Behind me, I heard my sister's cry to stop me, and my mother's voice telling her to leave me alone, but I paid no attention. It was as if I was pulled by a thread...and my body moved according to a will from within that was beyond my comprehension. I was led to a large room that stood in the middle of a secluded clearing, where I perceived the sound, and I stopped moving... because I lost my strength to move ...because somehow, I felt that I no longer needed to run...no longer needed to go anywhere..  
  
And as I looked at the most beautiful lady I had ever seen in my life, I felt that it was with her that I was supposed to be, that I never had to want or search for anything else in my life. There was an absolute feeling of contentedness, of completeness.  
  
I watched her quietly, as I listened to the calming music she brought forth of the instrument. She was dressed in a pink kimono, and she sat perfectly in the middle of the room...  
  
Strings flew toward me swiftly and suddenly, and it was my instincts that enabled me to bring out my needles to block the attack. So mesmerized was I still that what I had done did not register completely...  
  
"Who are you?" It was the steel edge to the gentle voice that I imagined coming from the lady that startled me out of my stupor.  
  
"I---I'm sorry for bothering you. I am Kakei Jubei, and we were visiting...but I heard you playing and..."  
  
The next thing I knew, she was flying to me in a flurry of pink silk, shining brown hair and the fresh scent of the morning.  
  
"Jubei Kakei-kun! I am Fuchoin Kazuki...I have been waiting for you!"  
  
I was stunned by this information, "Do you mean that the heir of the Fuchoin is female?"  
  
He laughed, a tinkling laugh, like the sound of the bells that he held tightly in his hand, and answered, "No, I am a boy. Fuchoins are required to wear the kimono when practicing the string, but only until we turn 12 years old."  
  
"Ahh..."  
  
Despite this --- I could not deny that earlier feeling that somehow...I belonged to him? ~~~  
  
Nor would I acknowledge it at that time. But as I said...I could never resist him long enough... And later that day...  
  
~~~ We walked by the stream, as the sun was setting...we had spent the whole day together. I had not returned to my mother and sister, nor did I notice how much time had gone by. If I could be by his side for every day of my life... ~~~  
  
Did I ever think it was strange to feel the way I did at that time...to feel the way I still do? Perhaps for a moment, then. But what could I do? And how can I question my fate? It was I who'd chosen it. My heart and mind were in synch. To be completely at peace with yourself...it was the most profound feeling I had ever felt. How can a feeling like that ever be defined as strange?  
  
~~~ Today I had learned much about him...but not enough. His smile, his gentleness, his innocence, his playfulness...I wanted to learn much much more. I wanted to learn his every thought. I wanted to see the every expression that crossed his face... So intently did I watch him that I before he gasped, I saw the muscles of his face twitch with pain. Reflexively, he brought his hand to his lips, his straight hair falling down against his face as he leaned over his injured hand.  
  
"What happened, Kazuki-san?" I went to him immediately, taking the fragile hand in mine, as gently as I could.  
  
"I...I something pierced me..." Kazuki replied, stammering, probably stunned at the liberty I was taking. He didn't say a word though, and let me examine his hand. I took out a Kakei needle, and pierced the soft skin of his hand as carefully as I could in the area I knew would make the pain stop.  
  
"There. You're fine now." I told him, looking into his deep brown eyes, when I finished, without letting go of his soft hand.  
  
I watched his eyes widen as he realized what I said was indeed true. He looked at his hand, still in mine, and looked back at me, color blooming in his cheeks, and an captivating smile on his pink lips, "Kakei Jubei-kun...so you'll be my doctor, ne?"  
  
I did not think it was possible, but he'd become even more enchanting to my eyes. I felt heat rising up my cheeks...the knowledge that I had his complete attention was unnerving. Hearing my name so intimately said from his lips gave me indescribable pleasure...combined with the feel of his soft hand in mine, yielding, and soft... my nerves were so sensitized, it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying. But his gentle eyes told me the things he didn't say, between the words that he did. Despite his joking tone, I saw the seriousness in his eyes...the importance of my granting his request...and this humbled and astonished me at the same time. Didn't he realize? He didn't have to ask.  
  
I felt a soft breeze ruffle my hair, and watched as the same breeze touched his face, his hair and his body... I felt a sense of possessiveness, that somehow I had touched him through the wind that moved through me at first. I didn't even fight it. As the sun was setting on the horizon, I held his hand in mine, that day when we first met, and willingly uttered the words that would bind me to him for the rest of my life.  
  
"Hai. I'll protect you forever." ~~~  
  
To me, he had been always been the most precious one... And in mind, I've had room for little else. And in every day, since he'd left the Infinity City...it was his face, his gentle voice and smile, the soft soft tinkle of the bells in his long hair that I had longed for with such intensity...  
  
The question that once believed I knew the answer to rang like a broken player in my mind: Had I ever been the most precious one to him? As I looked at the face I had never wanted to see again, that precious face that I had never been able to erase from my memory, the gentlest of smiles that remained imprinted in my mind...I realized now that my battle with myself had been a futile one. It didn't matter, did it? Whatever I was to him. All that mattered was what he was for me...because even if I ceased to exist for him, I would always remember. In the end, that's what would matter. I would always feel him...feel for him, feel this way about him... even without him.  
  
Kazuki of the String...He was the one I lived to protect. For him was I born, for him would I die, for him I am now dying inside...*  
  
But I could not falter from what I had to do... And what I could not do... I heard his cry even as I fell, when my Black Needles pierced the vital points of my body, exactly the way I meant it to do. I felt his slender arms encircle me, and his warm body next to mine, as he braced my body against his. I looked his once-flawless skin, now riddled with the signs of our battle. He was bleeding everywhere, and I knew every place my needles sliced his skin and broke his body.  
  
It was my fault, I caused it. I brought injury to this precious person, the same one I had sworn to protect that day long long ago...with full knowledge of my actions. But no more...how could I live without him? How could I live with the knowledge that it was I who'd made him disappear? I could not. And to be true to what I had to do...it was a defeat in itself. From the beginning, I was never to win...because I fought with myself. But I could see in his clear eyes that he didn't think about this, no --- it was me that was reflected in his eyes, my image blurred with his tears.  
  
I felt the tender brush of slender fingers, pushing back my hair from my face. His long, straight brown hair fell over my body, with his hot tears, mixing with my own.  
  
"Jubei..." I heard his soft whisper and felt the delicate shuddering of his body. "Jubei...why?"  
  
"Kazuki..."I said his name quietly, filled with pain and regret, "Why do you cry for someone like me?" Every word came out with effort, as I felt the stabbing pain of my Black Needles, still imbedded in me, and the action of the poison in it. I savored it --- wanting to feel even more the pain that I had brought him, "A man like me is not worth your tears..."  
  
"Why did you do this, Jubei? Please...please, Jubei...don't..."  
  
How I wanted to touch his face...taste his beautiful tears..."This is right, Kazuki." I told him, "Right for someone who couldn't believe in his friend..."  
  
He shook his head as he finally understood what I was trying to say and what I had done, his long hair moving like waterfalls on his side, "No Jubei." He answered quietly. I felt his body tense around me, and felt him lifting me with his slender arms.  
  
"Kazuki...no, you have to leave me here... there are more important things that you have to do..."  
  
Once again, he shook his head, his tears falling steadily still, "There is nothing more important to me than your life, Jubei."  
  
"Kazuki..." I said his name...with all the emotion for him that I had inside. This was what I had offered him then, that day a long time ago, when I could offer him the best of me, because I knew that I could be whatever he wanted me to be, just as long as I could be with him...and it was all I could offer now, when everything I had was spent.  
  
And it was more than enough. I was rewarded by the very thing that had haunted me the most: his smiling face. "Shhh, Jubei...Don't worry about anything. I'll take care of you this time."  
  
It was his tear-streaked face, his deep eyes, his tender smile and his long brown hair I saw last before I closed my eyes. It was his soft voice that I heard last and it was his most gentle touch, his warmth, and his slender body that I felt last, before I fell.  
  
Then I knew no more.  
  
Other stuff: *it's actually a paraphrase (i'm not sure, I may have also copied it verbatim) of a quote from the book "Of Love and Other Demons" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez\  
  
I hope you liked it! :D 


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